The Church Casino/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who makes it look so easy, so cheap and so tawdry, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you very much. Ok. Oh boy. A lot of excitement up at the lodge this week. The bunch of us are going to charter a bus come hell or high water, we're going to the big smoke, gonna watch a blue jays game. Whoo! Excellent! Excellent! Wow! How come no one told me about this trip? You have to ask? You have to answer? (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, don't think about changing the channel. And make sense out of this programme, give it your undivided attention. Good news, everybody. I've arranged for transportation for the lodge members. You chartered a bus to toronto? No, I bought on. I went to see the guy. He wanted 100 bucks to drive us in this wreck of a school bus. His wife said "gimme $200, take the thing home." we got the guys working on it. It should take two hours to make it roadworthy, four if we want lights, six for brakes. But uncle red, think about it. Huh? At that rate we'll late for the game. We're not going to the game. We just told that to the wives. (chuckling) you said there's a game. You said hell or high water. Nobody said anything about casino night at the church. Gambling, you're going gambling! You lied to your wives! No, we didn't. We just didn't burden them with the details. Anyway, our wives will be happy. They want us to have some fun. I think they'll be pleased to know we're going to church. Then why didn't you tell them? You guys are disgusting. Men who lie to women shouldn't have wives. Men who don't lie to women can't get wives. Coming up a little later, harold and bill are going to do some canoeing. That's harold under the canoe. He never looked better. It's so-- oh! So beautiful and... Serene out there. Ah! Oh! How calm the water is. Just to be at one with nature, I think, it's good for people. Looking forward to it. ♪ oh, back in the days of king arthur ♪ ♪ when chivalry was hot ♪ ♪ guinevere liked arthur a little ♪ ♪ but she really liked lancelot ♪ ♪ "every dog will have his day" ♪ ♪ arthur told her during a fight ♪ ♪ she said "dogs can have all the days they want ♪ ♪ "as long as I get my knight" ♪ (laughing) welcome to the possum lodge word game! Tonight we're playing for seasons tickets to the winnipeg jets. Dalton, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle to say this word... Tool. Tool. And go. A workman is only as good as his... Union. No, ok. You always want to use the right something for the job. The right hand. Uh, the right side of the law. The right screwdriver. No, ok. Your screwdrivers and saws and your hammers are all... Rusted. Yeah, they are. They're broken. They're stolen... Smuggled. Ok, look, at my store, there's screwdrivers. I got hammers and saws and a complete line of... Crap -- it is. Bernice, she wants you to do a job around the house. You make sure you've got a good assortment of... Excuses. No -- now listen to me. When you've run out of excuses, you immediately grab for your... Coat. Laxatives. A smart workman always blames his... Nephew! Hey! Look... The reason you never let harold help you in the workshop is because he is a... I'm in the room! I know, I know. Close enough. This week on "handyman corner" I wanna talk about tools, or, more specifically, tool-boxes. As soon as you get a complete set of tools, next thing you know you got friends, neighbours, guys you work with, and family members borrowing tools and not bringing them back. So you're left holding the empty tool-box. What do you do with an empty tool-box? How about you build a slow cooker? It's a no-brainer, which is sort of my specialty. First thing you wanna do after you empty the compartments, spray that non-stick cooking stuff in there. Just sock that in there. You don't want to have baked on pork and beans ruining the finish on your tool-box. Just a minute, just a minute. There we go. This is the non-stick cooking spray. That was brown primer. People will think it's barbecue sauce. What you want to do is put the vegetables into the various drawers there. I'm going with the frozen material. I find it easier to handle. Put the peas in there. And then the corn. Ow! Oh. Put some ice on that. I'll use the brussels sprouts. It's the only thing they're good for. All right, we'll just stick the chicken in the top. That's going to be a little too big. I'm gonna cut that up. There we go. A coating of oil keeps your tools from rusting. Add the potatoes in there around the chicken. The french call these "apples of the earth". I guess you could make vodka apple sauce. But that's another day. And probably a night and right through the weekend. Get those in there -- then add a can of your favourite gravy. But don't open it. Just lie it in there on its side, and close everything up. You wanna seal in your juices and flavouring. For that job, I recommend you use the gourmet chef's secret weapon... Duct tape. Now, ordinarily, I would do this barbecuing outside. It's hot out there. I hate summer. The beauty of using a tool-box is you can have something like this for a small event, or you can get one of these units and have the gang over. But do not use the lightweight plastic tool-box to cook in. Otherwise you end up with something along this line. I don't care how much booze you slake into your guests. They're not going to take a bite of that. If you do want to use the plastic tool-box, I'd suggest that you go with the hors-d'oeuvre tray. You got carrot sticks, celery, breadsticks, and so on. You got a drawer where you can keep dip, or as we call them, "harold". It's not that you'll eat this. It keeps the ladies busy while you guys empty the beer cooler. The beauty is you've got your dinner... Simmering away there. It gives you time to do something else. You could build something. You could come up with a cure for a disease. I prefer to sit and not think about anything. I'm getting good at it. (sizzling) (snoring) my instincts are telling me this is ready to go any moment. There we go. That's the gravy right on time. I'm hungry. Looks like this leg is the right tool for the job. Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (crunching) a little chewy. Wait, wait. Just a hose washer. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got a lot more of it. I wanna talk to guys who've gotten married for the second time. Chances are you're a stepdad for the first time. Ok, remember this. Stepdads scare kids. First of all, they think you're weird because you find their mother pretty. It's gonna take them a while to get over that one. Plus you're hard to get used to, the way you look in the morning, and the way you laugh at "dukes of hazzard". So reveal yourself slowly, the same way you're planning to do with your new wife. Spend time with the kids. I know it's a nuisance. If you spend time with them while they're young, it will save you spending time driving their mother to penitentiaries on visiting day. It's a lot of work. Makes you wish you'd tried harder on your first marriage. Here's the upside. If these kids don't turn out, it's not your fault. They're not part of your gene pool. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together. (applause) (audience laughing) well, I'll tell ya, the church casino night was a huge success. Might have dropped a couple of nickels, harold. Oh, didn't notice. There's lots more where that came from. Boy, I haven't seen this many nickels since we installed a pay toilet on mexican night. (audience laughing) by golly, we were rollin'. We broke the house, we broke the church. They may have to close. Our lady of luck is a dumb name for a church. I think this is terrible. We bankrupted a house of god. We're gonna get punished. We'll get put somewhere evil, dark, scary, smelly, and wet! We're here. Yeah. Actually, it's too bad. They were runnin' the casino to raise money for a new organ. We bankrupted the organ fund, the orphan fund, and the wine budget. Luckily, the vatican kicked in some extra cash. $20,000 -- that's a lot of money... Especially when it's in nickels. They made their mistake by letting the mother superior program the slot machine. It just kept paying off. It's still wrong, though. We gotta return the money. We won it fair and square. The tough part's convincing our wives we found 400,000 nickels in the seats of the old bus. (audience laughing) (siren) possum 911 -- state your membership number, please. 876,900. Teddy, what's the emergency? It's not really an emergency. I wanted to share something with your viewers. Cool -- information exchange! Great! Go ahead! Ok, so I'm unemployed, but the wife works. So I stay at home and do the cooking and cleaning. Wow! What's that like? It sucks. (audience laughing) all I do is feed people and clean up after 'em. I'm everybody's maid. How hard can it be to throw dirty laundry in the hamper? You know what's the worst? Wet towels on the bathroom floor, with hair on 'em! Yeah, you should see the towels around here -- they're covered. That's not hair. All day long, it's "dad, where are my socks? "dad, what's for dinner? "dad, will you drive me to the mall? "dad, you were supposed to wash my gym shorts." doesn't your wife help at all, teddy? She says she's too tired from work. Little miss important wants to read her paper. Then she orders me to get some food on the table. I don't want to be a nag. It's so boring. Same routine, day after day, so I've come up with a solution that I highly recommend to other guys in my situation. We're listening. Well, I've just kinda gone on strike in the romance department, if you know what I mean. Ohhhh! If I don't get treated with respect in the kitchen, then nobody gets treated with anything in the bedroom, if you catch my drift. How's that working? Excellent! She's putting in late nights at the office, going to more business conventions. She's trying to earn more money so she can hire a maid. That's what she's doing. Right! Yes, exactly, yeah. (red): Here we are, "adventures with bill". They got the canoe straightened out. Harold got his own form of a life-jacket on. Scary, isn't it? You may not have that canoe far enough into the water. This is good, though. This is the part of the canoeing experience-- you learn about teamwork. Get that farther in the water. That should do it. Ok, you may have gone-- yeah, well, congratulations. You may have gone a little overboard on-- yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Really, what's the plan? We don't want to watch this. Get the canoe while we're not watching. Here we go. So they're out there canoeing, and harold hasn't totally mastered-- ok, all right, settle down! Settle down, settle down! Boy, oh, boy! If there was one more, we'd have the chipmunks. What's goin' on? They're gonna switch ends in the canoe, ladies and gentlemen. You might enjoy this. Whoa! Hmmm... I wonder what's gonna happen here. I'm sensing a splash somewhere in the near future. You got a plan, boys? That's it -- raise the centre of gravity. That's always a good idea. What the heck is this? Oh, by golly, the miracle of childbirth! We do everything on this show. Well, by golly! I just lost 10 bucks on a bet right there. That was very impressive. Nice work, guys. You didn't get anywhere, but you didn't go down with the ship. Now bill wants harold to turn around. Harold, you don't want to be backing into stuff, believe me, not with your personality. When they actually get going... Funny how you could have two guys wearing glasses who still don't see a waterfall coming up. Yeah, it's a big one. 70, 80 feet, there. As the canoe starts to go over, they start to realize-- uh-oh! Ahh! Ahh! See you in a minute, boys! Ohhh! Ohhh! Well, I'll tell ya, with harold and bill, a day at the beach is obviously no day at the beach. Oh, you're fine. Goin' back should be tough. My friends in south dakota made me part of mount rushmore. We're taking our winnings from the church casino night and rolling them into coin rolls. (audience laughing) the little ones take forever, so we're making our own. 56 bucks' worth, eh? We figured out how to hide the deal so our wives won't suspect we didn't go to the baseball game. You're giving the money back? These young people with their sense of humour. That could happen, right after we give everything away and learn to levitate. Oh, ok. No, no, the trick to avoid suspicion is to spend the money slowly. Each guy gets 25 nickels a day to blow. You know what? You could live off the interest if you put that in the bank... If you're allowed back in a bank? No, no, they'd use it against our loan. Where's the sense in that? So what we're doin' is... What we're doin'... We're hiding the nickels. Yeah. Where? Where? Where? Where? Pull up a chair and I'll tell you. Ahhh! (laughing) yeah! You put that money in the chair! In the chairs, in table legs, in the bed frames... Old man sedgwick is pinned under his cane. Well, wait, whoa, hey... Now, hey, whoa. You think that's safe, having things so heavy here? I don't think there's any problem. (roof creaking) what's that? Oh! (audience laughing) boy, oh, boy! It's sagging up there, too! All right, all right! (grunting) got it. Welcome to the expert portion, where we examine those three words that men find so hard to say... (audience): "I don't know!" joining my uncle red on this portion is his best friend in this whole wide room, ferryboat captain hap shaughnessy. (applause and cheering) all right. Letter goes as follows: "I'm a university student. "after living in a frat house, I've become an expert "on animal behaviour and wildlife. "should I switch my major "from television arts to veterinary science, "zoology, or wildlife management?" I'd say no, because animals have sharp teeth and claws. I went to marine world, just outside port asbestos. An otter slapped me so hard, my taco came out my nose. That's true. (audience laughing) so I'd say no. (laughing) well, better him than me, harold. Yeah. Now they have the tranquillizer darts and special equipment, it's not dangerous to do that kind of work. Ohhh, animals don't need to be drugged. That's just pure laziness. (audience laughing) when I worked at the wildlife reserve in kenya, we used to have to tag the lions, measure them for their height and their weight, and check their teeth and so on, and I never once used a tranquillizer dart to put 'em to sleep. Did you tell 'em one of your stories? (laughing) no. No, I'd wait till he was napping. (audience laughing) then I'd creep out and I'd measure him from the nose to the tail. I'd weigh him on a scale, clean his teeth, and staple a tag to his ear. Now, mr. Shaughnessy, I'm no expert on lions, and unlike yourself, I've never claimed to be, but I would imagine that stapling a tag to a lion's ear might make him wake up and be angry. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's why I tagged the ear last, because they rarely slept through that. In a good week, I could tag and weigh a whole pride of lions. Yeah, hap, you're known for your pride of lyin'. (audience laughing) 4,469... 4,600-- five-- seven... Nine... What did you do that for? We're giving the stuff back, all the winnings. Giving it back to the church, huh? Your conscience caught up to you. Conscience caught up to you. No, bernice caught up to me. You weren't gonna tell your wives. We weren't, but bernice is psychic or something. I go in the house. You know me, mr. Casual, cool as a cucumber. Mr. Poker-face, you know? And I'm sittin' there and she says, "how was the baseball game?" I'm going, "what do you mean? "what are you saying it that way for? "you think I didn't go? "is that what you're saying? "you're accusing me of not going? "hey, hey! It's not my fault "the guys went to the casino night." very smooth, uncle red. (audience laughing) she seemed to be able to put it together. She's psychic, I'm telling ya. (possum squeal) there's the possum squeal so it's meeting time. You go ahead, harold. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I've collected up all the nickels. Got every last nickel. There isn't one... For gosh sakes. You're good, bernice. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (possum squeal) (harold): He's here! (harold imitating trumpet) I shouldn't play the bat. (red): There you go. Get up, guys. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down, guys. I've managed to collect all the nickels back and there's no admission at the pearly gates. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!